Monday, July 15, 2013

The Road to Zero

I just came out of the bathroom at the cancer center, and I'm standing in front of my husband, IV pole in one hand, IV line in the other. "It's 11," he keeps saying, but I don't get it. Finally, he clarifies and it clicks. My hcg. It's eleven. Then, I feel like someone kicked me in the gut. I should be happy, but all the air was just sucked out of my lungs. I feel bereft. I feel like I did the day they told me I had cancer. 

After the news has sunken in a bit, I'm still trying to grasp for comprehension. It should have been zero! My numbers were coming down so rapidly, even the nurses look disappointed. Single digits didn't even seem like a challenge. To be fair, I did have a visit with the nurse practitioner today; and she warned me I might not see zero. But I think even she would be disappointed by this. I had come so far. 

I just want it to be over, or see the light at the end, something. I just calculated the dates and if I hit zero next week, my last chemo will be six days before I need to return to work or I will lose my job. It is really good that I can still be gainfully employed, but I was hoping to take a celebratory vacation or something. Ohhhhh, #CancerGirlProblems. 
Here I am after leaving chemo today. It migjt not be zero, but I've got this! The thing you see taped to my chest is the needle in my port. You can't tell in the pic, but my infusion bag is hanging from my shoulder. For those of you who don't recall, I'll go ahead and infuse that methotrexate all night long. 12 hours to be exact. So I'll be blogging live around 5am. Check back for updates! 

For now, I'm grappling with the fact that I can even feel loss in this moment. It's not loss as much as it is anger. I'm fucking pissed off! 

Guess for now, all I can do is keep inching forwards. We are going out for Mexican foods. Nothing a margarita can't fix! 


  1. Just for the's 11. I know it's not 0 but you have come so far so fast. You are doing effing awesome. I know you are disappointed and pissed. Give yourself a day and then get back to kicking ass!! You have hundreds of us cheering for you. The end is near...keep moving! And at the end, we will all raise a margarita with you!

  2. I am sorry for your disappointing news, Kat. I also want to say that you look fabulous! You will beat this, even if it takes a little longer.

  3. And, btw, we miss seeing you on WTE April 2013 Forum. Of course, I'm sure you are just a little busy doing quadruple duty raising an infant (Jack Attack!) and battling it out with cancer. Anyways, we are thinking about you.

    1. Omg! Here's the thing. My phone is so FULL of pictures and videos of Jack, that I deleted the app!! I will make an effort to post there more frequently. You ladies are the best!

    2. Ha! I can definitely relate to that! I must have over 2000 photos of Isabella! A bunch of us gave you some props again the other day on WTE April forum but I noticed you hadn't commented so figured you weren't checking the site much. And I couldn't understand why. It's not like your fighting cancer and taking care of a newborn or anything. Jeez! Jokes aside, we're thinking about you and wishing you continued strength. Hugs.