After the news has sunken in a bit, I'm still trying to grasp for comprehension. It should have been zero! My numbers were coming down so rapidly, even the nurses look disappointed. Single digits didn't even seem like a challenge. To be fair, I did have a visit with the nurse practitioner today; and she warned me I might not see zero. But I think even she would be disappointed by this. I had come so far.
I just want it to be over, or see the light at the end, something. I just calculated the dates and if I hit zero next week, my last chemo will be six days before I need to return to work or I will lose my job. It is really good that I can still be gainfully employed, but I was hoping to take a celebratory vacation or something. Ohhhhh, #CancerGirlProblems.
For now, I'm grappling with the fact that I can even feel loss in this moment. It's not loss as much as it is anger. I'm fucking pissed off!