Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Exquisitely Painful

I was up all night in excruciating pain. Mostly in my stomach, but also the worst sinus pain of my life. I guess the Vincristine and Cytoxan (short for cyclophosphamide, which i JUST CANNOT SAY,) were a bit harsher than EMA portion of EMA/CO. Have you ever taken a medical terminology class? Cy is tissue. Toxan, I think you can use your imagination on. So we are just killing tissues here. I am trying to get past this, think of the bloodthirsty, serial killer unicorns, but GOLLY.

Fortunately, my in laws Mike and Sandy were here with us, and they took care of Jack so Jim and I could "sleep." Jim actually got a lot of sleep, although Jack did not. I woke Jim up at 2:30 AM begging for ice and a hot pad. You haven*t really lived until you*ve used a heating pad and a cold pack simultaneously.

I had a huge meltdown when they moved the pack and play that Jack sleeps in from my room to the guest room. Crying, screaming, complete hysterics. For like 2 hours. I think moments like that are why benzodiazepines were invented, but I waited way too long to take any. Actually, I didn*t take ANY yesterday until about midnight (I had chemo at 9 am,) and Nurse Ratchet was lecturing Jim about it. She said he should dose my coffee.

I also started developing mouth sores yesterday. Not really looking forward to that.

My stomach felt like I had ridden the Viper like a million times. Does anyone remember that roller coaster? Does it still exist, at Darien Lake? Have you been on it? Let me know in the comments! I really only went on the thing once, my Dad goaded me into it. It was just raining, and I cried the whole time. I*m not too tough. I was also in like 3rd grade.

So I stayed in bed until about 9 am, then I got up and took a BUTTLOAD of meds:
-Claritin (after TEXTING Dr. S, who said its ok. Love him!)
-Compazine at 2 am.
-Colace (sorry)

Really, pretty benign next to the cell death infusions from yesterday. I took a really hot shower and shaved my legs. I can*t WAIT til I don*t have to do that anymore!
Seriously, hairloss has its perks. Although my hair did start falling out yesterday. I have a tiny bald spot and this weird sorta burning pain all over. And nosebleeds. I guess this shit speeds up pretty fast.

I*m thinking when this is over, I should have a bucket list. Or maybe I should get started on the things I always wanted to do and I was too afraid of before, like surfing. Any suggestions? So far I have this:

-Surfing; regular and windsurfing
-Snowboarding. I don*t care how much it makes my ass hurt.
-Taylor Swift concert. I have no shame.
-Eating a doughnut every single day?
-Hot stone massage

Yeah not much.

Today I*m still not feeling like myself, so I*m going to stop.


  1. Hey lady, this all sounds pretty rough and I'm sorry you are going through it. How long do your chemo treatments last? I can't imagine going through all this, and especially with a newborn at home.

    I really like your idea of creating a bucket list, and I think you should get on that now! My suggestions: Surfing is awesome and windsurfing probably is too, definitely snowboarding (your ass stops hurting with practice as you stop falling on it), hot stone massages = awesome, apple cider donuts in the fall when you can get em from Farmer's Markets and pretend they are healthy. Also, pick some places you really want to travel to, do something you are afraid of, think outside the box.

    You recently 1) had a baby and 2) are now are going through something very difficult which basically means you can tackle just about anything else! Good luck, keep your head up, and stay positive!

    -Sarah Cunningham

  2. All amazing bucket list items Sarah. Thanks!

  3. Kat-- The way you are staring this thing straight in the eyes and punching it in the face is nothing short of admirable. Just a note to let you know that we here in Schenectady are still rooting for you (Nick wants to call but the # we have for you guys is old), and are sure that you will not just beat it, but utterly whup it, like as in, totally hand it its own ass.

    The Viper was always my favorite ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain when I was a kid-- I'm guessing it's the same thing you're talking about. I believe its claim to fame was that it had 17 corkscrew loops that you'd go through backwards and forwards? I always thought the name was a little off-base though, since vipers do not even kind of move like a corkscrew.... hm...

    You bucket list items sound really cool-- I think a bucket list is a good idea for everybody to make. At the top of mine are meeting Bill Nye, visiting CERN to see the large hadron collider, attending some killer new music festivals like SEAMUS or IRCAM, and getting back in shape enough to pull down 30 mph on a flat road while bicycling.

    Seriously though, call me or Nick if there's anything we can do for you guys (our numbers are still the same as since forever). <3

    Best, Ariane

  4. Kat, yes the VIPER is still at Darien Lake. Constantly praying for the three of you.